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September 21 , 2009

Till the Cows Come Home


QF, or Quick Flash stories are a ‘more words’ upgrade on Flash Fiction where people tell stories in something like three words or less. QFs we first thought might be nice little things to read on the way to work ‘to completion’ if the person’s hands and mind are free. But, we hear that they are being used to amuse sports people ‘at work’, people such as the wonderful Usain Bolt who has had someone make an e reader attachment for that camera that runs alongside the track so he has something to read using his binocular contact lenses while as he breezes home. He said that it was a bit of a problem if he forgets to take the contacts out after the race. He was doing an interview after his last race but the interviewer seemed to be looking right past him and asking him questions in an annoyingly quiet voice, about cakes and not the race. The interviewer was at the other end of the field talking to Mary Berry who had just won the celebrity shot putt.
Lewis Hamilton has an e attach for the steering wheel in his F1 car which cleverly holds the reader vertical, useful on sharp bends. He says he also likes to read when driving home after a Grand Prix and has one on his car steering wheel as well, but says it’s harder to read driving home after half a bottle of champagne; the half not wasted on the podium crowd.
The first time he tried to read one of Frankie’s QF stories he nicked a magnum and decided to soak the people in the car park on the way out. Unfortunately he was thirsty and shoved the neck of the bottle into his gob as it was foaming violently. The bubbles came out of his nose and he sneezed over the Kindle screen and had to stop to wipe it; it would be rude to say what he used to wipe it.
Swimmers are getting excited because they will soon be able to read Frankie’s stuff with the ‘e Swim ’ which is held on a head bracket eight inches in front of the swimmer’s face. Backstrokers especially say that it’s better than looking at a boring ceiling (and how long has the pigeon been trapped in here?).
Ok, the swimmer may smash their head into the tiled wall of the other end which ‘can’ turn the water red and give the ultra - bored looking life guard something to do ... ‘and’ worse, the swimmer can lose their place in the text, and if they smash the literal amusement cortex in their brain (no more Frankie works!).
But sports scientists are working on the Spring Swimming Cap which just helps them bounce off the end of the pool, and the ‘Shock Swim Cap’ which gives them a small electric shock to remind them that they need to turn quickly or get a really bad headache. It has also been suggested by some part-time ‘clever dick’ who knows naff, that the swimmers may like to wear wellies if/when using the Shock, which puts out 240V from an amazingly small battery. ‘Anything’ you see! To make it possible to read a Frankie Lassut QF story. They are so enjoyable that people can’t just read them on the way to work, they want more! They’re becoming very fashionable. Don’t miss out on this fashion/trend; it is the equivalent of wearing really, really rough and itchy underwear for years and then ignoring someone who invents the silk equivalent.
This story? Triggered by the wunderbar Evo when she said of a certain fashionable yet undiscovered snack. ‘I could eat these till the cows come home’. That triggered a story from Frankie’s imagination. Imagination! One of man’s greatest gifts assets/means.
Proper Power from a cool ‘overseer’.

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There are public houses in Cumbria which are meeting places for farmers and it is in these places where I heard tell of the Lake District legends; I knew the farmers. It was in that setting that after last orders one night Roger told me the story of the mystery shack, which I thought really good. This last one in the first set of Quick Flash…

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