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April 19 , 2009

It's Not a Midlife Crisis


It’s Not a Midlife Crisis is a hilarious romp through the myopic world of marital expectations from the dueling perspectives of both men and women. A brutally truthful and cynically hysterical description of the modern day marriage life cycle depicted through tales of blissfully dysfunctional married couples obliterating their marriage contracts…and the amusing manic tidal waves that follow. Comingled with these comedic escapades, the author unleashes his own uproarious marital experiences at the expense of his personal harmony should his wife realize there is a much longer copy of the work than the one she was given to peruse.
It’s Not a Midlife Crisis explores the entire start to finish marital marathon. It categorizes the race contestants and pins a description number tag to their chest and back so you can tell who is finishing the journey and who is not. Male category runners include the Lobotomy Guy, the Empathetic/Apathetic/Quiet Husband Guy, the Cad Itcher, the Ride That Pony to the Glue Factory Guy, the Overly Attractive Guy, and the Hard-liner Guy to name a few. It’s Not a Midlife Crisis explains what certain set of events happen when the female race participant stops to use the bathroom and flushes the part of the marital contract dealing with sex down the rest stop toilet. It details how to survive the therapist’s office and provides useful tools and tips for a successful marital contest finish. Most importantly, it explains why men in their forties buy a Corvette or join a rock band and clearly dictates to the female runner how to permanently deter her husband from joining Flight Attendant Bambi’s relay team.
Let’s put on our running shoes and jump right in. Go get your marriage certificate. Shake off the dust like you are shaking the person responsible for making you sign it. Check all the signatures that reside down at the bottom area with all the frills and flowers that clandestinely try to mask the fine print. Especially note the official head referee under whose authority you operate. Clearly remember his or her name because we are going to have a lot to discuss. Determine who signed it as witnesses. We have some issues with them as well. Now go get a blender. Plug it in. Don’t stick your head in the blender just yet. Set your marriage certificate on the counter next to the blender. Open the book. Start on page one.

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