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December 21 , 2007

Things Not To Do Or Say To Your Pregnant Wife


Sometimes men forget to use their internal editor. During my wife's pregnancy, I discovered I never turn mine on. I started posting some of the things I'd do or say without thinking on Facebook, and soon developed these postings into a book.

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I’m not gonna lie, there was more than once in my younger, wilder days when I got the ‘I think I’m knocked up’ scare and thought, “Please God, no. I’ll swear off women for a year, or at least a week.” Every time, I ended up owing the big guy a week. Now, when my wife told me she was late, after my first response of, “What’s new?” and upon realizing what she meant, I tried to buy every pregnancy test in the store.
I waited outside the bathroom and cursed the bastard who invented the damn thing and made me wait an extra two minutes. I half expected Amanda to walk out with a baby boy already delivered and ready to go to college. (My mind can carry on a long way in two minutes.) Patience, I found, was the least of many lessons to come.
That first test said I was to be a daddy. Well, actually it said “plus sign” but I triple checked the instructions and the translation was that there was a mini me on the way to world.
My brain hadn’t quite caught up with this reality, and I found it hard to believe, so I did the sensible thing. There were three tests in each box, so let’s just go best two out of three. It was at this time, only moments into the pregnancy, that I discovered the first thing to not do or say to your pregnant wife:

Things Not To Do Or Say To Your Pregnant Wife #1: The proper response to “Honey, I’m pregnant” is NOT “Can you pee again and make sure?”

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