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July 03 , 2009

How to Hide Your Boners


Here is it, the long-awaited digital release of the first ever BABU Guide, written by the estimable and esteemed Charlemagne Goodwriter. At 9,000 words, it’s triple the size of our standard guides and should take an average reader about 30 minutes to read. A bargain at any price!

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Look, we’ve all had to deal with embarrassing boners. Either you’re a man trying to conceal them, or you’re a woman trying not to stare at them obsessively.

Every guy knows to hold a notebook in front of his crotch, or to sit down with his legs crossed. In fact, everyone knows those tricks, even women. If everybody knows what you’re doing, then you’re not hiding anything, are you? This guide has many, many new and innovative techniques to disguise your tumescence.

How many times have you been at the beach but were afraid to play volleyball because you had a boner? Did you try resting your sunglasses on top of your bulge so that it would look like a harmless, comical nose instead of a terribly frightening penis? That’s only one of the tips you’ll read in this book.

Here’s another tip: Buy this book. No, that’s not a specific tip to hide your boner, but if you buy the book and read it and then follow it’s advice, you’ll be hiding boners as efficiently as the standards and practices department of any broadcast television network.

But don’t just take my word for it. Take all these other people’s words for it too:

“My mother always told me that men carrying notebooks are probably hiding boners. Well duh! After I was married, my husband revealed to me that he almost constantly has boners, even when he isn’t holding a notebook. I asked him how he kept it hidden for so long, and he showed me this book. It’s totally changed how I see boners…literally!”

-Cindy Elliot, housewife

“I was always the laughing stock of the china shop where I worked because I was always knocking things over with my boners. I tried masking the incidents by quickly sitting down and crossing my legs but everyone knew what was really going on. Then I read this book and realized I needed to think outside of the box. Now I make ends meet by playing the steel drums in a calypso group. Nobody ever notices a few extra notes here and there!”

-Yahman Brahman (stage name), professional musician

“I had no idea until I read this book that so much in the world revolved around boners, or that the strange stiff thing in my pants has not only a name but also a purpose. I thought I was a freak. I’d been letting people take pictures of it for money for years. Now I hide it like I know society needs me to!”

-Hector Pirkle, now a Minister

“When I turned 21, if I’d had a nickel for every time a boner had been the source of personal humiliation then I’d have netted six dollars and seventy cents, enough for a large coffee at my favorite shop. So I was still 21 and working on earning money for my second cup of coffee when I realized that it didn’t have to be this way. I didn’t have to distract people with my boners in order to steal nickels. I could steal quarters, or even dollars!!! I’ve bought dozens of coffees since that day, and other things too. Even this book! Maybe someday I’ll read it, though I can’t imagine why!”

-Gil Sphinx, professional exhibitionist

So you’re convinced, right? You’re probably getting ready to stand up and reach for your credit card but Oh No! You can’t, on account of boners! (If you’re a man, everyone will see your boner when you stand up. If you’re a woman, you’ll cause all these boners now, and there might not be any left by the time you’ve read the book and can better spot them.) The irony, OH THE IRONY!!!! BOOONNEEERRRRS!!!


As with all BABU (Building A Better yoU) guide books, this is for entertainment and not education. Any actual facts or solutions found in this guide are completely coincidental and everything should be taken with good humor and a grain of salt. All user testimonials have been fictionalized to protect the author.

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