This is the story about one piece of my life. It is a very small but important piece. It is not just about suicide; the act itself can be described in just a page or two; but rather the events immediately after my attempt to end my life. I by no means intend to glamorize suicide; in fact I am quite remorseful and embarrassed by what happened. At no point in the 48 years prior to this event did I ever even imagine I would find myself behind the wheel of a car breathing exhaust gas and wishing I would die.
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Having said that, I will say that I’ve always been curious about suicide. Ever since my own grandfather ended his life when I was a young boy I have wondered what goes through someone’s mind when they make that decision. At that moment are they happy? At that moment are they sad? How much pain are they really in? What does it feel like? Do they have second thoughts?
I wrote this book for two reasons. First, it was part of my own personal therapy. I wanted to get everything out of my head and onto paper where it is easier for me to organize and process. My second reason for writing this was to answer those questions for others who might have them.
Some readers will no doubt think that I had little reason to end my life. That is true. In fact as I write this, I can think of no legitimate reason for anyone to end their life. I will say however that not all the events of my life have been documented here. Some of the things I was struggling with on that cold day in January are too personal for me to share. Even so, as I look at them now, I realize that even those added did not justify my actions.
Life is really about perception; perception of one’s self as well as one’s perception of others. Many things can alter those perceptions. One thing that is notorious for altering perception is depression. For me, depression was like looking at life through a magnifying glass and not realizing it. The glass kept growing and growing fueled by another drug I was taking for Attention Deficit Disorder.
I’ve always relied on my sense of humor to get me through tough times. I got my sense of humor from my mom and it’s one of the aspects about me that I am most proud. As my magnifying glass grew, my sense of humor faded. As I look back now it is so easy to see; I can’t believe I missed it. I can’t believe anyone around me missed it. But it happened too slowly to notice and as you will see, it started to return as soon as I began treatment.
If this book does not entertain you then I hope it satisfies your curiosity. It certainly satisfied mine.